Here Comes the Sun – Finally

I haven’t blogged in almost a year. I didn’t feel like talking or find much of anything really funny. I know I’m not alone in feeling lost the last year. 2020 was the year that pulled me way back to old issues that I had to work through again. Ugh.

Don’t you hate the word “issues”? I mean we all have them, most of us are aware of them, some of us work through them – and over and over. One of mine is that as I get down, I tend to isolate more and get depressed. Yup, that was 2020. Oh and did I mention emotional eating? Check. Did that one too. Sleep? Optional. Good energy? That would require any energy at all. Giving a shit about much of anything? Nope.

The isolation got to me. I was so blessed to have good friends/neighbors Kim and Rob in my bubble, my buddies at work and my Dream Group zooming every Wednesday night. I talked to my daughter Amelia on the phone a lot. I had my crew of cats and Reuben, the big silly dog with me. But I missed human touch. OK, don’t get in the gutter – at this moment I’m talking about hugs, handshakes, etc. The other would be whole different blog.

I went to get my colonoscopy in July (excuse the interruption. Get a colonoscopy. It can save your life. It did mine. OK, PSA over) and when the nurse took my arm to put in the IV, I started to cry. It was the first time anyone had touched me in four months. She held my hand and talked to me. I told her I knew my doc, who was standing behind me, was going to be touching me in a few minutes but that was a whole other thing. We laughed but at that moment I realized how much touch meant to me.

The only thing that saved me from falling to the bottom of depression was my grandson. Mr. Perfect was born in January 2020 so I thought the year was going to be perfect just like him. My son Alex and his wife Brittany don’t want his name or face on social media and I support that. But just imagine the most perfect little boy you’ve ever seen and then up the game another notch. He does look a little like me so that gives you an idea of how beautiful he is. Alex and mostly Brittany, FaceTimed with me every single day. And they have been doing that for the last 15 months. I know Mr. Perfect and he knows me. It is the highlight of many of my days.

I isolated at home in the summer for 10 days and then drove down to Atlanta to see them. It was a long trip (suggestion. If you’re going to drive 11.5 hours, stop at least once to go to the bathroom. I didn’t. Never again) but so worth it. I got to hold, snuggle and play with Mr. Perfect. And I did it two more times over the year. I honestly don’t know how far I would have gone down that rabbit hole if not for Mr. Perfect, and Alex and Brittany making sure I could see him every day.

I realize so many people lost so much more than me. They lost loved ones, their jobs, homes and security. I’m fortunate that our office stayed open and frankly marketing became even more important during those tough times. My family and friends are all healthy and my little cottage on the pond is my little piece of peace. I am grateful and give thanks every day. I also make sure to send white light of protection for those who have lost so much and are struggling.

So what’s my point with all of this? I guess I wanted to share that sometimes everything just totally sucks, and little by little, it gets better. Many people think I’m so positive because I do try to have fun, make a joke and really listen to people. I am also really good at faking it when I’m having trouble getting myself up. 2020 rocked all of us.

But here comes the sun. I’m feeling positive, happy, grateful and loving my life again. I really do feel that I’ve learned life is short and I’m tired of waiting for all the whens – when I lose weight, when I have a shit ton of money in the bank, when I look like I’m 40 again, when all the world lines up to say damn Jan, you’re the best. If I didn’t learn this lesson over the last year, then it really was a wasted year. I’m open to possibilities, taking risks (let’s not get crazy – no hot air ballooning or rock climbing. or God forbid roller blading. Think writing that book I’ve had in my head or taking a circuit training class) and letting go of fear.

I’m looking forward to laughing more, bumming less and being myself again. My next blog will be much funnier. I promise. Maybe I’ll blog on the other subject of missing touch. . .