How Do Fat Girls Get Out of Kayaks?

Seriously, how do they?

I’ve embarked on a new passion and adventure – kayaking! I’ve always wanted to do it but have been too intimidated by my large and luscious body size (an old friend and I used to say that we were L&L – so much nicer than fat but fluffy) to even try. I was afraid if I managed to get into the kayak, I would never be able to get my belly and butt out again and I’d have to punch my legs through and walk around with it on me forever (admit it. you pictured that didn’t you?)  It would make walking, sitting and going to the bathroom difficult.

Then I saw the sit-on-top models. They are open, similar to a canoe but look way more cool and like the person in it is very athletic and hip. That was the image I had of myself in it. I’d paddle around my pond, be able to quickly navigate the length with my gun like arms and shoulders. My hair would look adorable under my snazzy little distressed looking ball cap, I’d be in my stylish swim shorts, top and water shoes. My life jacket would make me look much slimmer and I’d feel like that athletic and coordinated athlete I’ve always yearned to be.

Dreams are nice aren’t they?

Reality is a bit different. Don’t get me wrong, I love kayaking. And I do wear cute swim shorts, top, water shoes and ball cap. And my kayak is a cool citrusy lime green. I can’t say my life jacket makes me slimmer at all but I do wear it every time. It’s just I don’t quite get in and out of it as gracefully as I expected.

I watched tons of videos on how to kayak. How to get in and out. How to hold the paddle correctly. How to keep myself stable. I even practiced getting in and out of it in my living room before I bought it. Basically get down on the floor and back up. I was feeling pretty damn confident.

And then I got my kayak. I was so excited to get all of the plastic off of it and get it into the water for the first time. I expected I might have a little trouble but I had watched all the YouTube instructional videos and I had the image of myself in my head. Gracefully and athletically getting in and out of it. Like a gazelle or even a deer – not that they kayak but they move with such smoothness and have better looking legs that I do.

So my maiden voyage started out well. I plopped into it – I blamed it on the life jacket impeding my ability to gently lower into the boat. I had put the boat at the edge of my beach with just the front in the water. I scooted myself and used the paddle to get out into the water. I felt amazing. I was actually doing it! I could paddle fairly well after years of summer camp and Girl Scout canoe trips. I started paddling around, staying fairly close to the edge and loving it. I felt powerful and athletic. It was everything I wanted.

Then I had to get out of the kayak. I paddled up close to shore like I watched in countless videos. I steadied myself and put my legs over the side so I could stand up. I tried to push myself up. Nope, landed back on my butt quickly. I tried to maneuver around so I could try to get a grip on the boat. Nope, my life jacket got in the way (actually it was my belly but life jacket sounds better.) Then I sat square to the side of it with my feet over the edge in the water. I tried saying – one, two, three! – to haul myself up. I’d get a little way up and fall back into the boat. This happened over and over again. At one point I laid back in the boat begging the Universe to help me get my ass out of this f#@!*ng boat. That didn’t work either.

So I did what I did in the living room. I pushed myself over the side onto my knees in the very gravelly bottom of the pond, grabbed the kayak and pushed myself up. Just like I had to do in the living room. It ripped the hell out of my knee but I was finally out.

When I got back in the cottage and changed, I decided to Google some new terms. “How do fat girls get out of kayaks” brought up a tremendous amount of responses and a few discussion boards. I was not alone! I didn’t feel like such a loser. There were women on the boards that weighed less than I do and still had problems getting out. The number one response I read was “get someone to pull you up so you can get out.” Great idea but I live alone and while I know Reuben my dog would love to go with me, I’m not sure I could train him to pull me up. But at least I felt validated that other women have this issue too but continue to kayak and not let an extra few (or a hundred) pounds stop them.

I’ve figured out that I just go to where the water is about waist deep and flip the boat on its side. I fall out and then stand up and pull the boat in. I always get wet and then have to drain the kayak, but no more flopping back into it over and over and over. And I’m practicing squats to build more muscle and strength in my legs and core.

I’ve learned four lessons from this:

1. I can do anything I set my mind to
2. I am an athlete
3. I look adorable in a distressed ball cap, swim shorts and top
4. You can Google anything and find valuable information and sometimes validation for yourself

Maybe I’m missing a potential market opportunity here though. A “Help me I’m in a kayak and can’t get out” button to push. You wear it, push it and help arrives. It works for people when they’ve fallen and can’t get up. I’m going to have to ponder this one. . .